Feeling Accomplished- On and Off the PCT!

Darby and I both hit some exciting milestones today; his were obviously more literal and momentous, so I'll cover those highlights first.

 I knew he was set to hit the 100 mile mark yesterday, and - though I was not entirely sure I would hear from him again before he gets to Idyllwild early next week - I was cautiously optimistic that he might have some service or wifi in Warner Springs so I could congratulate him on this first big - literal - milestone. As luck would have it, he had wifi!  Darby even had a chance to update his blog today (darbyonthepct.blogspot.com) while stopped in town, so I won't get into too much detail here.

I treasured the FaceTime conversations we had while he was in town, and his beaming smile made it worth the wait. I also felt particularly special and warm and fuzzy inside when Darby told me he got up early and hiked alone to get to town as quickly as possible, so he would have extra time there to talk to me. Be still my heart.  I was a little bummed, though, when he informed me the package I sent last week to the Warner Springs Post Office hadn't arrived.  Fortunately, he said they'll send those forward to the next stop for free, and he wasn't remotely concerned.

Darby (or "Tommy Lee Jones", if we're using his trail name) is in great shape, continuing to make friends wherever he goes, and is having an overall incredible experience. With over 100 miles behind him now, I sincerely believe that Darby's positive outlook and the way he appreciates every challenge the trail throws at him (be it wind, rain, or snow, apparently) will carry him through to the end. I couldn't be happier for or prouder of him right now, even when he's over 2000 miles away (and 2600 trail-miles away from coming home).

At the end of our last conversation,  as he was on his way out of the town of Julian, Darby left me with the following images:
 
Picture number 1: (not Darby's blister! He's still blister-free) Another thru-hiker at his hotel had brutal blisters, and Darby did something completely indicative of his character: he put down his celebratory rum and left the social gathering in his room to be useful and helpful to a stranger. Looking at this image and hearing about his experience, I was reminded of something that happened the weekend before Darby left. He did something that, frankly, surprised me much more than it should have, knowing the kind of man Darby is. After we passed a car on the side of the road that had run out of gas, Darby told me to let him out of the car and wait for him at the station so he could get out and help these total strangers push their car up the road so they could fill up their tank.  I've seen people with flat tires or out of gas on the side of the road before, and - as I've sped past them in a self-imposed rush, to get to whatever super important destination I'm headed to- I've often wondered to myself what sort of person actually puts their life on hold to help a stranger in a predicament like that.  It was in this moment, watching Darby help those people with their car, that I realized I don't just know what sort of person is willing to perform such a gracious act; I get to call this sort of person my partner. As gross as this blister picture is, it served to motivate me to put extra effort into his care package this week. A man willing to treat blisters for strangers is certainly deserving of homemade jerky, trail mix, and baked goods to help him keep moving forward.
*Also, little handy side note to anyone suffering blisters (courtesy of mountain-man Darby): put a piece of thread through it so it can air out without bursting or worsening.*

Picture number 2: Darby posing with his gear, all cleaned up and well rested after a night in the hotel in Julian.
This one left me with a far simpler internal response: Darby looks awesome in trail gear. I need to join him on the trail ASAP. I seriously miss that smile. Must.Buy.Plane.Ticket.NOW.

These pictures from Darby got my butt in gear to accomplish a lot of important tasks the last couple days. First and foremost, I bought myself that plane ticket! I'm visiting Darby May 13-16, hopefully somewhere near enough to Ontario that we can even get a little tunnel flying in at the fancy-shmancy, super-fast iFly tunnel that recently opened there.  He sounded just as excited as I felt when I told him the good news today during our call.

The second big step that I took is definitely for the best, but it has left me with a lot of mixed emotions. For months, I have been brushing aside my family's concerns about my health and putting off further testing or treatment until after I finish out the school year. I don't think it makes sense to see a doctor for treatment here in West Palm Beach, only to move to Orlando in June and need a new doctor there.  I tried to comfort my family by promising them that I would deal with it after I finish the school year and move, citing a sense of duty and obligation to my students (particularly to get them through to the AP exam). After six years of chronic back and leg pain before finally getting a spinal fusion,  I got pretty good at sweeping health problems under the rug and turning chronic issues into a "new normal" until things got so bad they simply couldn't be ignored anymore.

This week, I had a couple wake up calls that caused me to change my tune about this and to finally make a change that gave some comfort to my family. My health has gotten to the point that it isn't just uncomfortable at best, painful at worst, and inconvenient on a regular basis; now, I'm starting to see that my digestive issues have gone beyond a day-to-day hassle to plan around, and have become a legitimate health concern. This past week's extreme flare up, with nearly constant nausea and the inability to consume and tolerate more than one small meal a day, has made me feel pretty weak and malnourished. It doesn't feel sustainable and manageable anymore to just call this health status my "new normal." The extra incentive to be more proactive about finding a solution to my health problems came from all of my day-dreaming about camping and hiking for a week or two at a time this summer with Darby. I can't imagine handling the trail without being able to consume more than 500 calories a day, and don't get me started on the unpleasantries of 10-12 daily "bathroom breaks" in the woods. No thanks; hard pass. Ulcerative colitis isn't exactly a walk in the park (see what I did there?), and it's time to finally nip this in the bud so I can have a more "normal" existence and hopefully make it out onto the trail later this summer.

So with all of this in mind, I resolved to make a change sooner rather than later. I gave notice at work that my last day will be the day after my students finish their AP exam. I will help my students get through their dreaded AP World History test (I'm obviously not telling them until after the exam, to keep them focused and distraction-free), then I visit Darby for a brief weekend visit, and then I have my first appointment with the Center for Digestive Health in Orlando. Baby steps.

My third big step(/accomplishment?) in line with my goals Off the PCT this week required a significant amount of time, effort, and TLC: creating a perfect care package for Darby, to be waiting for him at mile 179ish in Idyllwild. I made good use of my dehydrator, first with tangerines to add to a homemade trail mix, then with ground beef for him to rehydrate and add to meals for dinner, and of course lastly with my first attempt at beef jerky (which I've honestly never even tried before because it just seemed way too much like dog treats for me to get enthusiastic or even curious about). I also baked him enough of his favorite cookies (brown sugar chocolate chip cookies, extra gooey and soft just the way he likes them) so he can share and spread some trail magic with friends. To top it off, I went to the dollar store and picked up some extra things I know he likes (and some things that seemed just weird/gross enough that I imagine he would enjoy trying them out on the trail). Lastly, I  threw in some stamps, paper and envelopes (because, you know, I'm subtle like that). I may have gone a little overboard... Here are some pictures of the goodies that will be waiting for him in Idyllwild:

 

 

 

I really did have fun experimenting with the dehydrator, and I'm excited to try out some new things to send for his next big resupply.  Preparing things to send him and imagining his experience opening the package, knowing how cared for and supported he is, and then sharing the love with friends and fellow-hikers...I loved every second of it. It made the time fly by this week, and I felt incredibly close to Darby, despite not being able to communicate and having so much physical distance between us. I'm actually looking forward to the next package and trying to come up with ways to top this one. I can't wait for him to get to Idyllwild Monday or Tuesday to open it and see all the fun surprises inside! I'm also super-excited for him to get to Idyllwild because, after today's talk, I probably won't get to hear from him until he lands in Idyllwild in the next 4 or 5 days. Walk fast, Tommy Lee Jones! Patience isn't exactly my strong suit. 

That about sums up the big developments for the week, on and off the trail. I'll update further when there's more to share :)


p.s.  something fun to share- I was reading the trail blog of a couple who is about a half day behind "Tommy Lee Jones", just landing in Warner Springs late yesterday (though they are staying and taking a zero day there, I think, so they probably won't run into  him until after he takes a weekend off to see me :). This couple (blog found here http://teeheepct.blogspot.com/2016/04/day-9-april-28th.html) is the same couple that posted about a "Daniel" leaving the trail on day 3 when I was worried and hadn't heard from him. Here they are, pictured with two of the people Darby stayed with when he overnighted in Julian! It's Chips and Brianna (who now has the trail name "Guac", because Chips and Guac go well together!) Guess Darby was right that there was something blossoming, because they are now apparently an item! Looking at a stranger's blog and seeing people I have heard about and seen pictures of (remember that picture I posted of Darby in his room with two trail buddies in the background? this is them!)  reminds me what a tight community the PCT is and what a small world 2700 miles of trail turns out to be when everyone shares a common goal and lifestyle.

Adjusting Expectations

Most important update first: Darby is safe, sound, and in great spirits on a brief stopover at a hotel with friends (escaping brutal winds, AND getting free pie and wifi for the night!) He is making great progress and sounds and looks thrilled with the experience. He's practically glowing (and not just from all that sun turning his neck 4 shades darker than the rest of his body), and I'm excited to share that he's doing so well more than halfway through this first 100 mile section of the journey. Here he is, pictured in the hotel room he's crashing at now, all smiles!







The last several days have been a bit of a roller coaster Off the PCT,  largely because of how difficult it is to truly understand Darby's experience On the PCT without actually being there myself. I may have promised myself I would work to be more patient and understanding, but miscommunication/misunderstanding/general lack of awareness of Darby's circumstances apparently outweighed my rational thought this weekend.

After our talk Friday, I assumed he would have service in town on Saturday morning and that I would hear from him. When I didn't hear anything,  I started to worry. I knew that if Darby had an opportunity to talk, I'd get a call or a text, and I assumed "trip into town" meant definite cell service and maybe even wifi; so I naturally jumped to the conclusion that I should definitely expect a call. Well, you know what happens when you assume... and, boy, did I assume wrong.

Darby went three days with no service, so for three days, I grew increasingly worried about his health and happiness, and the anxiety became pretty crippling. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and played over worst case scenarios in my head of what could have happened to him out there in the desert alone. It was terrifying and pretty all consuming thinking about him and having no control or means of communicating to ease my concerns.

To my surprise, when overcome by worry for someone I love so much, I acted like a crazy person (my mother, to be more specific- sorry, mom!). I called every hospital within 50 miles of Mt. Laguna (the town he was supposed to stop in Saturday morning to resupply), checking to see if he had been admitted, and I called the post office as soon as they opened on Monday to make sure he had picked up his package. I just needed to know he was okay, and I couldn't understand why I hadn't heard from him when I had expected a check-in call on Saturday morning.

All of this wondering and worrying and generally not knowing made me physically sick and emotionally a bit bonkers. As the lack of sleep and nutrition took hold, I got extra-resourceful (read: crazy): I combed through the aggregation of blogs form the PCT (http://www.pcta.org/journalist/), trying to find any potential reference to Darby, so I could at least know he was safe. Move along, folks; nothing to see here...Just a crazy girl playing a weird version of Where's Waldo, on the hunt for a sign that her adventurous boyfriend is still in one healthy Darby-shaped piece.

I didn't find Darby, but I did read about a Daniel who left the trail around the same time/location that Darby would have been reaching this weekend. For a short period of time, I worried it was Darby, and something had gone terribly wrong (Definitely not the case- Darby is doing just fine and over 70 miles in!). I also found some Darby Doppelgangers in pictures on various trail blogs, and I carefully scrutinized their gear in photos to be sure they weren't, in fact, Darby (spoiler alert: they weren't).

Then, on Monday afternoon, as I was giving up on hearing from him, Darby called! I was not just relieved; I was ecstatic! He was even better than safe, healthy, and still plugging away on the trail; Darby was with a good group of people (Chips, Brianna, Amanda, a German guy, and a nice bearded ski-bum from Colorado who I momentarily saw and spoke to while on FaceTime, but whose trail-name and real name I've already forgotten), and he was having a blast and spending the night in a hotel away from the crazy winds (and potential snow?!) in a town called Julian. The hotel also had "FREE PIES!", Darby explained, so I knew he had landed in a great place for the night. Seeing him in such great shape and with such a genuine, happy smile on, PLUS the added bonus of being able to really talk to him at length (and multiple times! and on FaceTime- thank you, Apple!!)... Relief doesn't begin to describe how I felt. I couldn't have asked for a better surprise at that point, particularly after I had been feeling really sick all day.

I confessed what a neurotic and embarrassing worry-wart I had been, and he took it in stride and explained that he had been unsuccessful at getting any cell service until Julian, and the "town" he stopped in Saturday was really not much more than a post office open a few hours a day and a small corner store, not some bustling metropolis with free wi-fi and Starbucks on every corner. I have a much better understanding now of what my communication expectations should be, and I won't be so anxious about his whereabouts moving forward; realistically, we'll talk every 3-4 days depending how fast he's moving (possibly twice that amount of time if the town he stops in next doesn't have great service either).  Also, I should work under the assumption that between those calls, no news is good news (unless of course he does get service and I get an unexpected happy surprise call or text!).

I felt pretty ridiculous seeing how anxious and worried I was for nothing. On the upside, through reading other blogs about trail experiences, I developed a clearer sense of exactly what Darby's journey is looking like and will look like in upcoming miles. I'm priding myself on becoming an expert on notable PCT milestones, towns with post offices, and regular Trail Magic/Trail Angel meet up locations so I can cheer him on and supply and support him as he journeys onward. It's also clear from the blogs that Darby is surrounded by truly wonderful and inspiring human beings on the PCT, which is really comforting when I think about him doing this journey alone. As Darby put it, there are 100 people within 10 miles of him, and everyone is close to each other without even really knowing each other because of this incredible connection they share hiking the PCT. With the support of wonderful people on and off the trail, Darby is anything but alone, and I slept much better last night knowing that.

I do miss him already like crazy, though! I can't wait to visit him and experience the trail with him in person. Right now, it's looking like I'll be coming up to meet him (flying into LAX and driving to wherever he is) right after my students finish taking their AP exam, the weekend of May 14th. I'm excited to find my flights and get myself a rental car so we can have our first trail reunion! We're hoping he'll be at around mile 342 by then (Cajon Pass).

Even though it's further away, I'm admittedly even more excited about planning a longer trip, where I get to join him on the trail and suffer through long, exhausting days, weird trail food, and outdoor poop breaks by his side (though hopefully not literally for that last one). When we FaceTimed yesterday and I could see how happy and relaxed and confident he was out there while adventuring and making new friends, I was reminded of why I fell for him in the first place (not that I ever forget, really). It's definitely a challenge not seeing him or talking to him regularly, but finally seeing that fulfillment and bliss all over his face was indescribably comforting to me after a weekend of worrying. I'm going to hold on to that feeling and picture that satisfied smile every time I'm missing him between phone calls.

Now that my expectations have been adjusted, time for a full update on our progress On and Off the PCT!

This map gives an idea of how far Darby has gone, and how much left of the trail awaits him! If he keeps up his current pace, he should be averaging around 100 miles a week. He is about 2.6% done with the PCT. Really crazy to think about, and it definitely puts the size of this beast in perspective. I am so inspired by him and his drive to take on this adventure. When we talked about the weekend reunion in a few weeks, I offered to drop him off a little ways up the trail if he was worried about losing time while off the trail on zero days (zero miles walked), but he insisted he leave a trail of footsteps from Mexico to Canada and refused any shortcuts. How can you not respect this commitment and drive?! Total rockstar.

As for the physical challenges so far, Darby has faced lots of rough winds, layering everything in dust and sand (which he could even feel crunch between his teeth in the morning when he woke up after breathing it in all night as he slept), hot days and really cold nights, long breaks between water sources (need to carry more water = heavier backpack), and steep persistent inclines aggravating his hip. Don't worry, though; he's making smart choices to not overexert or injure himself at this point, and he's feeling pretty great so far!

It's helping that he's making great friends and meeting such awesome people as he travels. They play games on the long stretches (like karaoke sing-alongs), and they keep each other entertained and supported, by sharing necessities, treats, and stories as they journey up the trail. I can see him growing and feel his joy and pride with each detail he shares with me. Jealous though I may be at times to not be out there with him, I really couldn't be happier for him and all that he is experiencing and accomplishing.

As for my goals, I'm plugging away at them, too! I went skydiving on Saturday and made some huge improvements on freefly jumps with new friends at a dropzone that's still pretty new to me (DeLand). I'm definitely getting more comfortable sitflying, and I can feel myself getting stronger to keep more control of my body in the sky. I also ran into one of Darby's favorite people ever, Peter Bainey (a really "complete person", as Darby put it), and we had some good talks while on the packing mat after a jump. He told me to slip a bottle of Darby's favorite alcohol or favorite treat for the trail (Snickers) in the next box I send, with a note from him on it, I assured him I would happily do so.  After 3 really great jumps and some relaxed, fun-filled socializing, I had an awesome Saturday and made plans to return to DeLand to fly again as soon as possible (this weekend, perhaps..?). I  really can't wait to jump with my favorite skydiver when he gets back in 4.5 months, though!

On Sunday, I had my first coaching block with Carney in the tunnel, and let me just say- It. Was. AWESOME. With Darby, I feel comfortable enough to chicken out sometimes of things that scare me in the tunnel. I don't know Carney well enough yet to back out of something he suggests I try, so I ended up trying tons of new things and really surprising myself. I even tried carving and wasn't terrible at it! Darby would have been SO proud of how far I've come since he first started working with me on sitflying in the tunnel; I really wish he could have seen it. I had to pull out this old photo, thinking about how valuable all of Darby's coaching has been for my flying. Carney would give me an instruction to try something, and because of all of the drills Darby had me do on the net to build muscle memory, and because of the massive amount of time spent coaching me in the tunnel generally,  I was surprised that I could actually do most of what Carney wanted me to try! Carney is an awesome instructor, but I also have to make sure Darby gets credit for putting me in a position to succeed and to make the time with Carney as productive as possible, and I can't thank him enough.

Other things I'm working on re: goal achievement: I want to pick out a recipe or two to try out the dehydrator and send a really awesome package of goodies to Darby by the time he gets to Idyllwild (mile 179). I have about a week to get it made, shipped, and delivered to that post office to be waiting for him and guarantee delivery, so any speedy suggestions on what to try out first are welcome! I'm leaning toward beef jerky, fruit roll ups, and a dehydrated meal for dinner for starters... But we'll see what happens! I'll also be baking up some of his favorites to throw in that package since I felt a little guilty that the last package (which he picks up in Warner Springs on his next stop) is just a bunch of pre-made stuff I threw in from the store because I was in such a rush to get it shipped off in time. This package needs a little extra TLC, especially in case there's no service at this town and we end up going another week without communication. Fingers crossed I hear a little something from him, but if not I'll just keep sending happy thoughts his way and doing whatever I can to be productive On and Off the Trail.

On the downer side, I did end up with a little trip to the ER last night, dragged kicking and scream practically by my dad and sister. They've been on my case for a while about getting checked out by another specialist and having some more tests run since my health didn't exactly improve after the last round of tests and treatment. Not eating or sleeping or being able to keep much food down the last several days was definitely, in part, affected by the anxiety I had over the uncertainty of Darby's whereabouts, but apparently I've also got some kidney cysts (no biggie, they can stay as long as they don't burst or get infected), and an infection that caused the nausea but will be cleared up with antibiotics in a week. I was exhausted, and ER visits are never fun, but my sister and I had some interesting talks about vigilante justice (random, but really fun conversation while we waited!) and I got to facetime Darby while the contrast unsuccessfully worked its way through my system (they gave me contrast and made me get a CT to check out the digestive problems I've had, but the ER nurse administered the contrast wrong so it didn't dilute, and they couldn't actually see the part of my digestive tract that they needed to investigate). I'll need to get a specialist up in Orlando so I can have a regular doc check me out and get my health under control once I move permanently up there.

Last but not least- I'm most excited to get to check off the goal of visiting Darby on the trail soon!! I'll be buying my plane ticket tonight when fares are lower (I'm told Tuesday and Wednesday nights have the lowest fares!). I'll update after my next catch up with Darby, when I can share how far we're both coming with our goals and growth.

Happy Trails!

Some Ups and Downs On and Off the PCT

Two days and 36ish (out of 2,655) miles completed, and Darby and I have both experienced a few highs and lows.

Darby's highs and lows have been more literal than figurative. He has nothing but positive things to say about the PCT so far, telling me the rock formations and views this early are more beautiful than anything he saw a few weeks in on the Appalachian Trail. The desert is greener and more beautiful than he expected, the people are generous, kind, and interesting, and he's already witnessed some Trail Magic from a toothless man on a scooter bringing water to hikers. 

Though he was proud to share that he is blister-free so far, Darby mentioned yesterday that his right hip has been "hurting a little" with the uphill hiking. He isn't one to complain about mild discomfort, or even mention it, so for him to bring up any pain he's experiencing must mean it's actually really unpleasant for him. I hate hearing that he's in any pain and needing to push through it. I'm incredibly happy for him that he's on this adventure, but I don't love not being able to help or comfort him in some way.

Darby said he was fine, but I could hear in his voice the effect his hip was having (along with his exhaustion and hunger).  I was reminded of the physical struggle - and, of course, the  mental challenge to overcome it-  that the PCT entails. With all of the excitement over Darby hiking, being in nature, actualizing a major life goal, and doing something just generally impressive and amazing, it's easy to forget just how challenging this experience will be for him over the next four months. I've been so self-centered worrying about how hard it will be for me while he's gone, that I almost forgot what his experience is like beyond the glamorized image of thru hiking.

The PCT is so much more than just stunning views, fresh air, exercise, and making new friends; it's also walking 15-20 miles while in pain, rationing water on a 90 degree day because of the added weight to carry more, missing out on fun and important events (like Darby's siblings' 21st birthday, which I know he feels terrible about) and being away from loved ones and the comforts of home. He is making incredible sacrifices to be out there on this journey. I can barely go a day without ice cream and avocados; living off jerky and pooping in the woods wouldn't exactly be a walk in the park for me...

Each day that he's away and I'm sad, or missing him, or envious that I'm not off adventuring, too, I hope I can (and will try to)  step outside of myself and my wants and needs to appreciate all of the nitty-gritty reality that he's facing. The big picture achievement of hiking the PCT may be wondrous and unforgettable, but the day to day struggles are just as real and impressive as the cumulative accomplishment of his dream when all is said and done. I hurt for his struggles, but I am also endlessly impressed by his mental and physical strength to test his limits and set out on the trail to do what so few people can understand or even imagine.

Off the PCT, my highs and lows were a little more emotional (as everything with me tends to be). His first day, I had my share of  needy, sensitive moments where I thought I would burst into tears any second thinking about Darby On the PCT and wishing I could drop everything and be there with him. I selfishly worried he was having such an amazing time that he wasn't thinking of me or missing me, and I had anxiety all day checking my phone at any free moment in hopes I had a message from him. I realized I was jealous Darby would fall in love with the trail and forget all about me and our life together in Florida.

When I got home, still moping about not hearing from him, I discovered my dog had explosive diarrhea all over the kitchen tile (thoughtful sweetheart that she is, she was careful only to go on tile and missed the carpet entirely!).  I remembered a night a few months ago when Darby and I got home from dinner and opened the door to the same situation. He swooped in like a superhero, immediately opening windows and grabbing paper towels and plastic bags and cleaning solution.  While he wiped up the horror,  he insisted I go outside and walk chilly to get away from the smell and let him take care of it for me. I was beyond impressed by the man standing before me that night as he forced the dog leash into my hand and pushed me out the door.

As I cleaned up Chilly's diarrhea and thought of Darby spending his first night on the trail, I couldn't help but think of the hole in my life with him gone. I missed my boyfriend with the nose that doesn't smell (so handy on a night like that) and the sensitivity and kindness to help me in a mini-crisis.  I spent the next few hours at the vet, texting Darby with no response, and growing sad and resentful that he couldn't be there to help me and wouldn't be there for so many other nights ahead. When I finally got home, I was looking and feeling pretty pathetic- simultaneously self-pitying and obsessing over how alone I felt, and guilty and angry at myself for feeling anything other than excitement and happiness for Darby on his first night on the PCT.

The next morning, I resolved to be more positive and not let my selfish sensitivities take away from Darby's experience. When I finally heard back from him around 3 pm, I was ecstatic. I kicked my students out of class a few minutes before the bell rang (they were thrilled- it was Friday, after all), and got to talk to Darby on the phone for a bit. He sent a video from a campsite where he was taking a break after an 8 mile morning, and it instantly turned my mood around just to see his smile. We caught up and he shared details of his journey so far, and I gave him a gentle and not so subtle reminder to send me a little "I love you" text when or if he gets a chance, just so I don't go into a needy "he's forgotten all about me by now!" emotional tailspin. Darby was an understanding prince, as always, and I felt like a jerk for being upset the night before.

To make up for being a downer that first night (even if he wasn't around or checking his phone to know I was being a downer), I rushed out to Publix and the Post Office after we got off the phone to get some things to send to Warner Springs, where he'll be stopping in town in five days or so. He said he didn't have enough food, so I got some of his favorites (Publix brownies with icing and snickers bars), threw in some trail mix and jerky, and had them mailed to arrive by the time he gets there. Feeling like I could contribute in some way gave me a boost of energy and excitement for him, and I want to make the effort to send something small but helpful to every other stop along his journey.

When I got home from the Post Office, I found my first love letter from Darby had arrived! The note he wrote was completely perfect, sincerely encompassed everything I needed and wanted to hear, and I don't know if he'll be able to top it. It was definitely the highlight of my week, and I made sure he knew how much it meant to me.

So, what have I learned after Darby's first two days on the PCT?
(1) Be less selfish,  more understanding, and more patient; and
(2) focus on what I can be doing to make both of our situations better, not on what I'm missing out on while he's away.

Succumbing to emotional sensitivities and insecurities and letting them take over my thought pattern and mood is never useful and certainly never makes me or anyone else feel better, so I really need to work harder to overcome that. To grow Off the PCT, I have to start by recognizing that weakness, and then make a conscious decision to push past it and  instead be sympathetic to the experience of others and focus on how I can be productive, useful, and happy because of and not in spite of the things I cannot change. 

Thinking about it in those terms feels like a metaphor for Darby's journey; while I am acknowledging my emotional weakness and working on pushing through it to accomplish my goal of growing and bettering myself, Darby is facing physical challenges (like a troublesome hip) and pushing through them to grow stronger and accomplish his goal to conquer the PCT. The self-reflection required for this blog is making me feel more connected to Darby already. I'm inspired to keep moving forward with all of my goals for while he's away (including keeping up this blog). Darby's persistence is motivating me to just stay focused on the end goal, while tackling each challenge one step at a time.

As for my other goals Off the PCT, on the job side of things, I finally mailed out my materials (cover letter, resume, transcript) for the federal clerkship job that seems like such a good fit, and I heard back from the law firm in Orlando that I've been in touch with and will be interviewing on June 6th once I move up here permanently.  Not much left to do here but wait and see what comes of it all.

On the social side of things, I missed out on a fun night out with some great people from iFly because Chilly's stomach was acting up last night and I was worried to leave her, but I'm headed out skydiving today and have a girls' night planned tonight, so I can still have some fun this weekend!

 I'm most excited, though, to report that my goal to improve my flying is right on schedule: I have coaching Sunday morning with Carney at iFly, and I'm both indescribably nervous and excited. It will be strange learning to fly in the tunnel with someone other than Darby, and I'll definitely miss seeing his smile behind the helmet and experiencing his support when I try (and frequently fail) to learn new things. I brought the picture he gave me up to the condo in Orlando so I can think of him and picture that grin encouraging me every time I'm prompted to attempt something new (aka scary) tomorrow with Carney. I hope I can see some improvements and blow Darby away next time we get to fly together!

On a somewhat unrelated note, Off the PCT I get to enjoy some quality family time at Passover dinner at my sister's house tomorrow. I can't help but share this picture of my nephews and brag about how sweet they are and how much I'm looking forward to some much needed time with them. Staying home and missing the trail experience isn't the worst thing in the world when I get to hang out with these happy boys...











 

Darby arrives in California; Dehydrator arrives in Florida!

Today was a big day for both of us: Darby flew west to start his adventure, and I came home to my brand new dehydrator waiting by the door!

While on a layover in Atlanta, Darby squeezed in a little FaceTime with me, since we aren't really sure when (or how much) we'll get to talk again now that his journey has really begun. I normally tell him everything, and I love hearing about the events of his days just as much as I love sharing about mine, so not being able to catch up regularly is definitely one of the things I'll miss most over the next few months. Unsurprisingly, we spent a good portion of the call looking at a calendar and a map and trying to guesstimate when our first meet up will be.

I can't pretend this was just part of my dedication to the plan I outlined in my first post; I miss that smile already (can you blame me?), and it was all I could do not to get myself a ticket to California this weekend so I could join him. We tentatively settled on Memorial Day weekend (end of May) for a weekend visit off the trail, since - for weather and trail condition reasons - he could use a short delay around that time, and it makes sense for me since I will mostly be done with my teaching obligations for the year and have Monday off for the holiday anyway.

I know how excited Darby is to be starting the trail, and I wanted to share in his happiness and be as positive as possible,  in spite of the natural urge to selfishly miss him. Having a potential meetup to look forward to in the less distant future really helped ease some of my anxiety and made sharing in his good mood effortless. I can already see that making the effort to share in Darby's experience will help me cope with the distance and unpredictability of communication over the next several months.

A short while later, I got home to a package waiting for me at the door. The box contained a crucial tool to achieve the "Off the PCT" trail magic goal of mine, and I can't wait to get started figuring out how on earth to use it.

My new dehydrator! I started researching different snacks to make (fruit roll ups, beef jerky, salmon jerky...) and read up on some of the basics for creating dehydrated meals and calculating how to properly rehydrate the meals for best results. If anyone has suggestions for how to keep Darby well-fed with this gadget, I'm all ears! I hardly know where to begin, but I imagine I'm in for trial and all kinds of error.  I'll include updates (and photographic evidence of successes and failures) as the dehydrator experiment progresses.

After getting excited about my new toy, I immediately texted Darby to keep him in the loop, even though I knew he would be unavailable for hours while on his flight. I've decided to text him on the trail just as I normally would (whenever I have anything to share), even if it could be hours or days before he'll see the messages or be able to respond. Darby may open his phone to dozens of text messages every couple of days, but it will help me continue to feel connected to him while he's gone. He called when he landed, and he's equally excited about the dehydrator's arrival and said he's on board to receive a daily text-surplus even if they go unread for a while.


I ended up texting Darby even more later after receiving some wonderfully surprising news in furtherance of my favorite growth goal Off the PCT: his mentor/hero-worshipped-wind-tunnel-instructor, Carney, responded to my message asking for coaching, and he has volunteered his valuable coaching services this weekend! I'm ecstatic thinking about the potential to improve my flying with the instructor who Darby credits with teaching him how to fly as well as he does. I'm also really curious about exposure to different coaching styles, since Darby has really taught me everything I know in the tunnel.

With the dehydrator delivery and coaching confirmation, it seems like things are falling into place for me to get started on my Off the Trail goals. I also had a nice talk catching up with my sister tonight on her new business and her life generally, and then went to dinner with my dad (a little stressful, honestly, but overall ended well and gave me some direction for steps to take job-wise and health-wise, though I resisted the unsolicited guidance like any other good-natured but stubborn daughter desperate to be treated like a grown up).

I left dinner with a plan to get a cover letter done ASAP and my resume sent off for a job I have been dragging my heels about applying for over the last few weeks. The job is frankly my dream job for more reasons than I can list here. CliffsNotes version:  federal magistrate law clerk position, which combines my ongoing interest in the law, uses my skills and experience,  would also afford me time outside of work to pursue my hobbies/passions/adventures, and it wouldn't start until August or September, which would free me up this summer to do some of the PCT with Darby!

So why haven't I applied yet? Fear of rejection or failure. I know, I know, Wayne Gretzky, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take; but as long as I haven't applied, it's still an option I can fantasize about. Once I apply and either don't hear anything or receive a rejection letter, I don't get to wish and hope for that path anymore...So I haven't sent it yet. In fact, I haven't even typed out the cover letter yet, though I've played out what I'll say in a letter and in an interview dozens of times in my head. Dinner with dad may have been a little emotionally draining and stressful (sorry, uncomfortable waitress who watched me cry instead of eat!), but it did motivate me to get this letter written and submit all materials ASAP so it won't be too late, and I'll at least have a chance of consideration for the clerk position.

All in all, end of Day 1, I'm feeling really optimistic about the steps Darby and I are both taking, on and off the PCT! I have a plan in motion for my personal growth, and I loved hearing how happy and excited Darby was to be in California starting his journey. It was also a huge relief to know his internet-arranged ride showed up to get him as planned (and hopefully is not a creepy stranger/serial killer, but a legitimate Trail Magic guide as promised). Next up: submit that application, plan a girls' night in Orlando this weekend, start yoga, and do at least ONE successful pull up (seriously, why do they look so easy, but then I try and just hang there, barely pulling myself up an inch!?).

It Starts...

This morning, I said goodbye to my boyfriend, filled with mixed emotions - mostly excitement, happiness for him, and admittedly a bit of a heavy heart. I may go as long as four or five months without seeing Darby while he journeys onward to conquer the Pacific Crest Trail. 

Darby has spent most of his adult life dreaming of this experience, and he has devoted countless hours meticulously planning this journey over the last eight months. I have spent nearly that long trying to process what this journey will mean for our still relatively new relationship. It wasn't until this past weekend that I began to formulate a plan for how I will spend this time apart, to ensure we both continue to grow as individuals, and in the same direction, though we'll be separated by thousands of miles, with lifestyles that seem worlds apart.
 
 (Left: Darby, showing off the PCT he'll be conquering; Right: Me, showing off my PCT keychain, so I can keep track of his journey from anywhere and everywhere)

Darby has started a blog - http://darbyonthepct.blogspot.com - that his Bubbie will be updating while he treks from Mexico to California. He will be eating strange foods, sleeping under a tarp, walking around 20 miles a day, pooping while propped against trees, and seeing the world from a perspective few are lucky enough to experience. Just imagining his journey excites me (and admittedly fills me with envy).

Since he told me about his plan to hike the trail, I wished I could join and experience it alongside of him, seeing and feeling nature the way that he will get to each day until he reaches Canada. Unfortunately, my circumstances prevent me from joining him for the full trail (the greatest hindrance being my wonderful but needy 11 year old lab mix named Chilly, whom I naturally cannot bring myself to part with for such a long period of time).

After I accepted that Darby would be embarking on this journey without me, I began to worry he would experience so much growth, and he would make so many incredible memories that I simply couldn't be a part of, that we would grow apart, or - worse - he would outgrow me. As our last day together arrived, I finally realized that I could do more over these four months than just wallow over not being on the PCT, too.

As meticulously as he researched gear choices and weighed and measured toothbrushes and tarp stakes, I researched what people do to cope with staying behind while their significant others tackle the trail. Surprisingly, there isn't all that much out there from the perspective of the S.O. To be fair, there are some articles or guides to the hiker for how to best prepare the S.O. for that time apart and for the post-trail depression that most people experience upon completion; but I wasn't able to find much (or anything, really) written by the individual staying behind and living the boring everyday life while the significant other adventures across California, Oregon, and Washington. The articles I found didn't really speak directly to the experience that I feel so unprepared for, nor do they provide the desired "how-to-grow-while-staying-put" guide that I was really seeking.

And so begins this blog: my attempt at chronicling life OFF the PCT (though with a trip ON the PCT thrown in here or there, if/when I can make it work), and suggestions for what to do (or not do) while a significant other embarks on the PCT. Generally, my goals include but are not limited to the following (and I anticipate they will likely change through trial and error and the unexpected, too): 

• Stay involved and connected despite limited access to communication and thousands of miles between us
• Acquire the skills and put them into action to be the best darn Trail Angel off the PCT
• Grow as an individual - emotionally, physically, etc. - despite the absence of a 2700+ mile journey to self-reflect while appreciating nature 

More specifically, I plan to: write (and hopefully receive) a fair amount of love letters; keep lists of stupid little things to make sure to fill Darby in on when we do catch up on the phone so we don't lose the day to day connection that's so fluid and effortless now; enjoy a short but fun off-trail weekend visit with Darby; experience a week on the PCT, in Darby's element, and at Darby's pace; learn to use my dehydrator to make healthy and delicious(?) meals and snacks to ship to Darby; take up yoga and build up some much needed strength; improve my skydiving and tunnel-flying; settle into life in Orlando (make some friends, join some things, get a new job, etc.); do some self-reflecting and self-improvement. Oh! And blog about all of it.

Shouldn't be too hard to get this all done in the next 4ish months, right?
RIGHT!-- except the blogging part. I've always been terrible at keeping up with a diary, so this should be an interesting challenge.

This woman's journey off the PCT starts here and now.