Darby's highs and lows have been more literal than figurative. He has nothing but positive things to say about the PCT so far, telling me the rock formations and views this early are more beautiful than anything he saw a few weeks in on the Appalachian Trail. The desert is greener and more beautiful than he expected, the people are generous, kind, and interesting, and he's already witnessed some Trail Magic from a toothless man on a scooter bringing water to hikers.
Though he was proud to share that he is blister-free so far, Darby mentioned yesterday that his right hip has been "hurting a little" with the uphill hiking. He isn't one to complain about mild discomfort, or even mention it, so for him to bring up any pain he's experiencing must mean it's actually really unpleasant for him. I hate hearing that he's in any pain and needing to push through it. I'm incredibly happy for him that he's on this adventure, but I don't love not being able to help or comfort him in some way.
Darby said he was fine, but I could hear in his voice the effect his hip was having (along with his exhaustion and hunger). I was reminded of the physical struggle - and, of course, the mental challenge to overcome it- that the PCT entails. With all of the excitement over Darby hiking, being in nature, actualizing a major life goal, and doing something just generally impressive and amazing, it's easy to forget just how challenging this experience will be for him over the next four months. I've been so self-centered worrying about how hard it will be for me while he's gone, that I almost forgot what his experience is like beyond the glamorized image of thru hiking.
The PCT is so much more than just stunning views, fresh air, exercise, and making new friends; it's also walking 15-20 miles while in pain, rationing water on a 90 degree day because of the added weight to carry more, missing out on fun and important events (like Darby's siblings' 21st birthday, which I know he feels terrible about) and being away from loved ones and the comforts of home. He is making incredible sacrifices to be out there on this journey. I can barely go a day without ice cream and avocados; living off jerky and pooping in the woods wouldn't exactly be a walk in the park for me...
Each day that he's away and I'm sad, or missing him, or envious that I'm not off adventuring, too, I hope I can (and will try to) step outside of myself and my wants and needs to appreciate all of the nitty-gritty reality that he's facing. The big picture achievement of hiking the PCT may be wondrous and unforgettable, but the day to day struggles are just as real and impressive as the cumulative accomplishment of his dream when all is said and done. I hurt for his struggles, but I am also endlessly impressed by his mental and physical strength to test his limits and set out on the trail to do what so few people can understand or even imagine.
Off the PCT, my highs and lows were a little more emotional (as everything with me tends to be). His first day, I had my share of needy, sensitive moments where I thought I would burst into tears any second thinking about Darby On the PCT and wishing I could drop everything and be there with him. I selfishly worried he was having such an amazing time that he wasn't thinking of me or missing me, and I had anxiety all day checking my phone at any free moment in hopes I had a message from him. I realized I was jealous Darby would fall in love with the trail and forget all about me and our life together in Florida.
When I got home, still moping about not hearing from him, I discovered my dog had explosive diarrhea all over the kitchen tile (thoughtful sweetheart that she is, she was careful only to go on tile and missed the carpet entirely!). I remembered a night a few months ago when Darby and I got home from dinner and opened the door to the same situation. He swooped in like a superhero, immediately opening windows and grabbing paper towels and plastic bags and cleaning solution. While he wiped up the horror, he insisted I go outside and walk chilly to get away from the smell and let him take care of it for me. I was beyond impressed by the man standing before me that night as he forced the dog leash into my hand and pushed me out the door.
As I cleaned up Chilly's diarrhea and thought of Darby spending his first night on the trail, I couldn't help but think of the hole in my life with him gone. I missed my boyfriend with the nose that doesn't smell (so handy on a night like that) and the sensitivity and kindness to help me in a mini-crisis. I spent the next few hours at the vet, texting Darby with no response, and growing sad and resentful that he couldn't be there to help me and wouldn't be there for so many other nights ahead. When I finally got home, I was looking and feeling pretty pathetic- simultaneously self-pitying and obsessing over how alone I felt, and guilty and angry at myself for feeling anything other than excitement and happiness for Darby on his first night on the PCT.
The next morning, I resolved to be more positive and not let my selfish sensitivities take away from Darby's experience. When I finally heard back from him around 3 pm, I was ecstatic. I kicked my students out of class a few minutes before the bell rang (they were thrilled- it was Friday, after all), and got to talk to Darby on the phone for a bit. He sent a video from a campsite where he was taking a break after an 8 mile morning, and it instantly turned my mood around just to see his smile. We caught up and he shared details of his journey so far, and I gave him a gentle and not so subtle reminder to send me a little "I love you" text when or if he gets a chance, just so I don't go into a needy "he's forgotten all about me by now!" emotional tailspin. Darby was an understanding prince, as always, and I felt like a jerk for being upset the night before.
To make up for being a downer that first night (even if he wasn't around or checking his phone to know I was being a downer), I rushed out to Publix and the Post Office after we got off the phone to get some things to send to Warner Springs, where he'll be stopping in town in five days or so. He said he didn't have enough food, so I got some of his favorites (Publix brownies with icing and snickers bars), threw in some trail mix and jerky, and had them mailed to arrive by the time he gets there. Feeling like I could contribute in some way gave me a boost of energy and excitement for him, and I want to make the effort to send something small but helpful to every other stop along his journey.
When I got home from the Post Office, I found my first love letter from Darby had arrived! The note he wrote was completely perfect, sincerely encompassed everything I needed and wanted to hear, and I don't know if he'll be able to top it. It was definitely the highlight of my week, and I made sure he knew how much it meant to me.
So, what have I learned after Darby's first two days on the PCT?
(1) Be less selfish, more understanding, and more patient; and
(2) focus on what I can be doing to make both of our situations better, not on what I'm missing out on while he's away.
Succumbing to emotional sensitivities and insecurities and letting them take over my thought pattern and mood is never useful and certainly never makes me or anyone else feel better, so I really need to work harder to overcome that. To grow Off the PCT, I have to start by recognizing that weakness, and then make a conscious decision to push past it and instead be sympathetic to the experience of others and focus on how I can be productive, useful, and happy because of and not in spite of the things I cannot change.
Thinking about it in those terms feels like a metaphor for Darby's journey; while I am acknowledging my emotional weakness and working on pushing through it to accomplish my goal of growing and bettering myself, Darby is facing physical challenges (like a troublesome hip) and pushing through them to grow stronger and accomplish his goal to conquer the PCT. The self-reflection required for this blog is making me feel more connected to Darby already. I'm inspired to keep moving forward with all of my goals for while he's away (including keeping up this blog). Darby's persistence is motivating me to just stay focused on the end goal, while tackling each challenge one step at a time.
As for my other goals Off the PCT, on the job side of things, I finally mailed out my materials (cover letter, resume, transcript) for the federal clerkship job that seems like such a good fit, and I heard back from the law firm in Orlando that I've been in touch with and will be interviewing on June 6th once I move up here permanently. Not much left to do here but wait and see what comes of it all.
On the social side of things, I missed out on a fun night out with some great people from iFly because Chilly's stomach was acting up last night and I was worried to leave her, but I'm headed out skydiving today and have a girls' night planned tonight, so I can still have some fun this weekend!
I'm most excited, though, to report that my goal to improve my flying is right on schedule: I have coaching Sunday morning with Carney at iFly, and I'm both indescribably nervous and excited. It will be strange learning to fly in the tunnel with someone other than Darby, and I'll definitely miss seeing his smile behind the helmet and experiencing his support when I try (and frequently fail) to learn new things. I brought the picture he gave me up to the condo in Orlando so I can think of him and picture that grin encouraging me every time I'm prompted to attempt something new (aka scary) tomorrow with Carney. I hope I can see some improvements and blow Darby away next time we get to fly together!
On a somewhat unrelated note, Off the PCT I get to enjoy some quality family time at Passover dinner at my sister's house tomorrow. I can't help but share this picture of my nephews and brag about how sweet they are and how much I'm looking forward to some much needed time with them. Staying home and missing the trail experience isn't the worst thing in the world when I get to hang out with these happy boys...
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